Over the years, I’ve seen many go down a bad safety path. Submissive women wanting to find a Dominant find instead an abusive man. The same is true for submissive men who figure they can “take on” a Dominant woman (man) and thus don’t need to do safety calls or worry about keeping themselves safe, only to quickly discover that once they are tied and gagged they are at the mercy of the woman (man) they’re with. Sadly, where women will quickly call the authorities, sub men won’t. Dom’s are also at risk for abuse and legal action taken against them when they forget to keep themselves safe as well.
Let’s discuss ways to keep safe and possible red flags that can warn us when we’re connecting with someone regardless of whether it’s the first time meeting them, whether you’ve known them for months online, or whether you’ve watched them play a few times at the club or they were recommended by a friend and you’re going to interact with them for the first/first few times. Some of you may already know these examples others aren’t and are just starting out. Some of these safety tips are:
Safety calls: this is where you call a designated friend and let them know that you’ve arrived at your destination and at a pre-determined time, you call that friend and let them know you’re safe-phrase so they know you’re alright. Your safe-phrase can be something like: “I’m good and enjoying myself.” Whereas saying, “Everything is great and I’m having fun,” means I’m in trouble, send the cops. Having a designated phrase to call for help ensures your safety since you wouldn’t say, “Help, he’s hurting me,” when he’s doing so and listening to your call while you’re under duress.
Meet in a public dungeon for your first few play-dates where you can discover if the person is conscientious of your needs, before, during and after your interactions. This doesn’t guarantee they’ll behave ethically in private; however, it’ll give you some indication of what they may be like beneath the glamour.
Though being at the “mercy” of another and being vulnerable to your Dominant is part of the erotic thrill for a submissive, discover the vulnerability of relinquishing control while you “aren’t bound” and have to obey instructions.
Live with passion,
Dr. Charley Ferrer
Host & Founder
BDSM Writers Con, Inc.